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DOG DICTIONARY
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to
go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in
the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as
close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom
to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat
several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week
to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you
are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled
exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and
dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance
away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal
that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of
the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew
thepapers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the
humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's
response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require, especially
effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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