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Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,

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 Then you are probably the family dog.

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Your ticket please
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Let's go for stupid :
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Caught for speeding:
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Stuck under a bridge:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any crackers
the bartender politely tells him they only serve alcoholic drinks and
bar snacks, so the ducks walk out again. The next day he returns and
asks Got any crackers?

The bartender says a little irate I don't have any crackers!

The 3rd day the duck walks in and asks Got any crackers?? The bartender
gets real mad at the duck and says look I told you yesterday I don't
serve crackers, if you ask me that again I will nail your beak to the
counter.

The duck walks out. The next day he walks into the pub again and asks
got any nails???

No replies the bartender.

Good got any crackers replies the duck?

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

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There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a
number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the
big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one
another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and
finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful
consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to
their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not
even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used
to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me,
did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I
couldn't remember who had asked me."

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A 82 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor cautioned him about his age and sent him home with a lecture on the proper lifestyle. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor said to the man, "You must really be doing great!"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

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